Can i not drive my cunt home
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
