Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
