I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
