I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Randomize
