I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
