That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I need a hoe opinion
go on
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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