If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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