I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
