If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Randomize
