I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Randomize
