i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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