i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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