dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
