Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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