So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize
