Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
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