im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
