I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Randomize
