new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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