I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
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