and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
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