i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
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