when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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