Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
