it was like his penis was on wheels.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Randomize
