It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
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