You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
so basically i'm the" little sister", he's the "big brother" and we just fucked
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
Randomize
