Would you object to my putting the bidet video on my Facebook page? It;s awesome.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
