Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
