now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Success! We fucked roommates!
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Randomize
