im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Letd wlk him
Lrtd walek hime
Lets wlk home,,,ther we go
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
