when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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