Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
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