I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize