Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Randomize
