and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
