Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Randomize