I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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