i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
