Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize