when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
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