if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
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