just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
He better not be in your backpack
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
