i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
