i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Randomize
