How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
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