guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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