I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Randomize
