this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
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