I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
