I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
