Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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