I wish my penis had an off switch
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Randomize
