You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
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