Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
