I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Randomize
