At least make sure they are 18
Why
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Randomize
