Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize