Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
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