if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
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