We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
