I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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