I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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