is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Im part way to drunk.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
Randomize