Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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